earlier today, i was observing moths on a streetlight. it’s strange seeing these things ramming themselves to something they cannot touch should they even be able to think. apparently, it confuses their navigation systems, so most insects are drawn to light. that beats the point of survival, though. wouldn’t it draw far more attention to them? that being said, it shouldn’t be an unfamiliar concept to anyone. after all, we are all moths: chasing after something that leaves us vulnerable.

last year, i concluded a post deeming myself a “failure”. in a year’s time, a lot changed, and i guess i am heading exactly where i want to see myself in the future. i have no fear in thinking if things go south, for i have taken too many punches to the face to even be fazed anymore, both literally and metaphorically. earlier this year, i was rejected from my dream university, and unsurprisingly, i didn’t feel a thing. all i read was that same old lame “unfortunately blah blah blah” and the “this year’s pool was blah blah blah”. to be honest, i was more mad at the font they used in the letter than the rejection, like why did it look so dull? anyways, the next day i took up boxing and in the past 4 months, i ended up with quite a decent physique. sparring on wednesday nights, lifting weights for 6 days a week, drinking an unhealthy amount of protein shakes and caffeine, and walking back home in the snow, rain, or harsh sunlight, i just did what i did.

“what motivates you to go this far?”, a friend of mine asked me.

to tell the truth, i don’t have an inspirational story. living by myself for 5 months, i simply did all of these because i would get bored. cleaning my apartment, taking out the trash, cooking food, and heading to school with barely any sleep, i honestly hate a lack of variance in my life. as a younger me would say, “i don’t want to feel like an NPC”. so every day, heading to my boxing classes or going for PRs just made me content having actual interactions with people. now and then i would commute for 2-3 hours just to meet some friends all the way down south, but on days i wouldn’t i simply worked out. it has definitely become part of my life so i don’t expect myself to quit anytime soon either. plus, i am truly grateful for my coaches and boxing mates, they have surely become my family and have become a part of my life.

i enjoyed my last year of high school, even if it wasn’t as exciting as it could’ve been back home. conversations with people here and there were more than enough for me, and for the majority of the second semester, i didn’t have to care about school, so i didn’t show up for many of my classes. for me, high school ended as soon as it started and although i was never an outcast, i felt as though the world i was in felt alien, so it makes complete sense as to why i didn’t attend my graduation ceremony. after all, why take the nuisance of sitting for 3-4 hours just to grab a piece of paper? for many of you, that marks a transition in life or the end of 4 years of constant anxiety. for me, it was just a monday.

i also built a world for myself there, a world i can see myself not leaving for at least the next decade of my life. it’s strange how i once thought this was a prison for me, only to fall in love with the very place that made me an adult way faster than it should have. i think that’s just fate, isn’t it? no matter how hard i try, i cannot bend the will of destiny. but, to be honest, i am curious about something. sure, the idea is whatever is destined, will surely happen. but recently, i have come across a very bizarre concept, a concept that intrigues me: manifestation. everything i write is an allegory of what i’m feeling at the moment. so if i write good endings, will that make things come true? a really close friend of mine noted how the things i write end up foreshadowing what happens to me later, as bizarre as that may sound to both of us. there is a certain tale in my life right now that i do not want to reject, so whatever this idea is, i’ll give it a shot i guess. it’s going to be fun, toying with destiny.

it has been a few days i have come back to dhaka, and to be honest, it hasn’t been as hectic as i have thought it would be for the past 5 months. it has been excruciatingly boring so far, and well, i have myself to blame. i think being very quiet and not talking to many people pays a huge toll on socializing. i personally have less than 5 people i talk to on a regular basis, and they are all i could possibly ask for. when i talk, i don’t expect a highly “intellectual” conversation. i like hearing about my friends’ lives and sharing mine too. these people are also the ones i don’t find predictable, and that makes my life way easier. see, most people i talk to back home, with no offense to them should it seem like it, are too contradicting with their actions and words. as such, it’s hard to not have an easy guess on what’s on their minds and having the chance to read them makes life all the more boring. i may sound very pretentious in the way i am going at it and i do apologize for the lack of sincerity here, but take it from a guy who has talked to so many different kinds of people in just less than two decades of his life. i am still stoked to meet everyone soon, although i do have my biases for a certain few and i am patiently waiting for them.

it goes without saying that i have gotten very lax with the way i see life. i have everything i asked for a while now, and i like frugality. i think i took a lot of blows to understand what loneliness feels like. loneliness isn’t a sad state in life, to be honest. linking back to what i mentioned about fate, i guess i will always see myself as a loner in this reality. maybe in other realities i never left home, never had issues understanding different social cues, or could control the extent of my emotions in times where i should’ve. well, i don’t have the privilege to erase the past like many of my friends do or the power to necessarily influence the present. all i have is tomorrow, and tomorrow gives me an assurance stronger than the now. there have been days in the past 5 months where from seemingly a terrible day i went to enjoy a great time the next day. these surprises keep me wide awake at night, and i challenge this reality to throw whatever it can. i spent 4 years of high school falling on my face, and every time i got up on my own. hence, there is little that can scare me as i move on to post-secondary at UofT. i am honestly stoked to see what can go wrong because i am too arrogant to believe anything can make me lose all hope. after all, i am someone who kept losing until i lost the very will to lose. kinda cliche, but hey, can’t really be humble without bragging a bit.

it feels strange to think i will be entering my twenties this year, but i’m prepared anyways. the only thing that perplexes me now is the fixation people my age have with romanticizing their mundane lives. after a point in time, nothing is really glamorous, it’s all a routine. i didn’t really enjoy my teenage years in the sense that i could romanticize my life as most people do with their high school lives, so i may come across as very bland in that regard. what i do hypothesize with my life, however, is getting to the point where i don’t feel bored anymore, and i can tell that time will come very soon. boredom is a drag, and it’s probably why i struggle to sleep or shut up in front of people. lately, i have been talking less and less, so it’s probably a good sign. i haven’t cried in a long time, though. but honestly, i don’t feel like i have anything to cry about to start with. lamenting about things, not in my control, is irrational and what’s the point in breaking logic? i don’t recall myself being a shonen manga protagonist, so i don’t really have any plot armor on me. but i must say, the character development arcs are excessive at this point. can i just have my epilogue already?

but it’s been great, honestly. i’ve had more peaceful nights than i ever did in the past 2 years. i stopped dreaming or being stuck in time for a while now, and it’s really nice to feel conscious again. i love that i can feel as though i’m here, existing. for the longest time, i forgot what it felt like to truly breathe. though some of my interactions these days have been frustratingly comical, i can’t help but laugh instead of putting up a frown. even on days, i feel down, nothing can stop me from getting right back up with a smile because i know they won’t be gone. for the few people i have right now, thank you, really. i do believe they’re wasting their time with me, but oh well, at least i know i can still be part of their lives. if i knew this is what serenity truly feels like, i would never tread into those murky waters i regret now. beyond my almost brash tone, i’m truly excited to see what awaits me in my last summer. i guess i’ll have to manifest it, since fate time, and time has been an asshole to me. but at the same time, i would like to exercise caution. the world i am creating myself there can be demolished any day should i not be careful. it’s very self-referential the way i say it, but it’s where i felt my strongest, and although being superstitious is very unlike me, i don’t want to jinx it from here.

to conclude, i’ll refer to what i said last year: my name is Tahir Ahsan Soumen. i am 19 years old, and i’m probably not a failure. i’ve taken all the punches i could take without going down, and i’ll not falter. the only thing i fear is boredom, and to the person reading this, please hope i get out of this rut, it is very annoying to be bored like this!