Apologies for being so inactive on my blog (that is if you were following my updates from May-August). I could not type anything that could make sense so I took time off from doing reviews, write-ups, and pretty much anything. I recently moved to Canada so there’s that otherwise, I would break my hiatus with a review of Denis Villeneuve’s Dune. But I guess not everyone reads, watches films, or writes to understand themselves. However, everyone has their own experiences and with 2021 being the worst year of my life, I’ll be cheap and “profit” off 2021 by writing about my experiences very subtly.

2021 began on a hopeful note for all of us. For me, 2021 was simply the end to the cathartic loneliness 2020 brought. New life, new experiences, I hoped to stop feeling like I’m stuck in a dream. As I am typing this now, I cannot feel like I have woken up today even if I go for a run, shower, or talk to a couple of friends for hours. So I more or less conclude that this year was a dream that went by and I would be naïve to say that I am hopeful about 2022. What if, I never wake up? The irony is, sleep is the catharsis people look for at their worst. I guess when you find the same people from 2 years ago, everything will naturally feel unmoved. Therefore, a rewind back and forth and just like a dream, we are experiencing whatever we experienced again, but in a more David Lynch sense.

I remember wanting to start writing a cliché novel about social isolation earlier this year. I couldn’t but the whole premise I was building, I experienced it. Everything I wanted to write about, I faced them. I am not one to see things too poetically, but somewhere in my subconscious, I wanted to find meaning and ventured deep into the world of solitude. That said, I have not become completely reclusive and love talking to people at the drop of a hat. This world I have been in for a while now, I hope it did change me. Speaking of worlds, I don’t know where I fit in anymore. It might be a culture shock, but it is sad how swiftly you seem to move away from the lives of the people you knew for years. I changed schools way before the inception of this site, yet I felt the burdens of being not around them even when I was with them. I feel like I am awaiting for someone to “discover” me. The word, discover, either fits with me or it does not, based upon whether or not you find enough value in me to call me a relic.

I did not do anything that amounted to a year recap. I genuinely don’t have anything to look back upon and if I did, I can assure you it is nothing worth remembering as a sense of self-worth. Rather, the contrary. I do, however, value every minute I spent on films this year. Films have such a beautiful learning curve to them. I remember getting into movies by watching anything on Netflix to gradually enjoying artistic cinema. I’d argue that the progression in which you enjoy films becomes linear in respect to what you take away from them. I always take away philosophical elements and more often than not, I do enjoy taking valuable life lessons from films. Other than films, I do look back on finally daring to publicly share my blog. I suffered from a terrible fit of not venturing into the wider world out there because I got scared of the changes around me. I can assure the readers that I overcame this terrible phase. I cannot promise this but, I will try being more regular and start catering my site to whatever new trends demand.

This year, I lacked a proper idea of what the concept of “self” meant. I still don’t know who “I” am. I was always someone who transitioned to whatever people expected of me albeit, not in a negative sense. I seemed to have gotten myself stuck in a loop of basing my personality on whatever people demanded from me. Now that I moved away, I cannot understand who I am without people dictating it for me. Am I vulnerable? Am I strong? Am I smart? So much we can assume just by people telling us throughout our lives and then comes a point where you have to assume you’re the other party to yourself. Till fate drives me to my end, ambiguity is the only answer I find to satiate my appetite to know myself. Then again, I would like to find a concrete answer by myself someday. I guess the freedom I always wanted was to never feel controlled yet I feel so offset without it. Maybe the “me” problem started when I was very young. I was as young as 8 when I wanted to create a world that finally felt natural to me. I realize now why I played with action figures a lot. The world felt mundane to me, felt like it lacked a spirit I still long for. 10 years, I consistently evolve this one train of thought – if I could just create a world. I guess I don’t feel whole because I live in a reality that doesn’t please me. Sure I am happy and grateful for whatever I have, but this isn’t the world I thought I’d be in when I turn 18. All the more to feel even more barricaded from entering it.

That pretty much sums up 2021 for me today. Of course, I could write even more but too much would just make the aforementioned special parts bland. I hope everyone has a great year ahead. It was tough for us to accept that high school passed by and with no guarantee that we will ever have a normal day back in high school ever again. I still cannot wake up from this dream and I hope 2022 wakes me up. I miss who I used to be and trying hard to find who I am. I guess there isn’t much to do but see what happens one year from now. I do find this parallel interesting though. 2020 was full of unanswered questions, while 2021 ends with a lot of unasked questions because do we really have any answers to look forward to? Well then, I hope 2022 is the year we don’t depend on questions or answers anymore. Till then, I hope you make the best of everything you got.

Happy New Year!